Thursday, October 7, 2010

A New Path

Recently, I found myself reflecting on our journey through infertility and the many others who travel this path. I know some of that long and hard road, but now, lightness and peace creep into my heart. I feel comfort and excitement exactly where we are. In a moment of looking back, I know am so very ready to look forward and to own all of this experience as part of my story.

Along the way, I heard a variety of other people's stories. Some shared their own pathway to parenthood when they found out our desires for children. They opened up about their struggles, longings and joys. Those stories almost always felt personal and intimate. They whispered, “Here’s how we got through...(Yes, there is a way through)” and "Keep moving forward". They created a sacred trust and a glance into how varied the road to parenthood can be.

Many, many others told us second-hand stories of miracles, waiting, adoption, failure, medical mysteries, despair and hope. These stories were more difficult, leaving me often overwhelmed or baffled. What was this person, the Universe or God trying to tell me? Could someone else see into my seemingly indiscernible life, like a sorcerer reading runes, or were they oblivious fools prattling on about miracles? I know it was neither really, but at the time, I listened with occasional confusion, anger or fear. I left one ear wide open, hoping to hear the whisper of how our story was going to turn out and blocked the other ear, fingers and fist shoved hard against my head, afraid I just might hear a future I didn’t like.

In a much earlier time, while I prepared to get married, a counselor told me that my path into marriage was bound to be different from the one my parent had trod. I desperately needed to hear that wisdom as I watched my parents approach the precipice of divorce. What a relief to see these years later that she was right. Our marriage has been unique and beautiful. The struggles and the deep joys we experience are ours, belonging to and blessing the two of us.

I wish I better remembered this same advice while listening to the myriad of stories from so many well wishers. Where ever they thought I was (or I imagined they thought I was) at each point in my journey or where it would take me, I never needed to be anywhere other than where I was in each moment. I could listen or dismiss as my heart told me to, without attempting to predict the future. My faith, my uncertainty, my research, my questions, my grief, my hope, even my desperate desire to know how this would all work out...each had its own time and place. Each brought me here, somewhere far different from what I imagined as a young woman.

Now, I would not trade the unique journey or where it brought me. I feel calm facing the fact that I will not bear my own children and a tingling sense of adventure at how our family will be formed. Acceptance showed up last week, an unannounced but welcome friend. Come right on in, I say! Let’s get out the map, dream about new sights, plot the next route and then let's get moving! I am bursting with anticipation for the children we will adopt.

We are going to adopt!!!!

I admit, I don’t know what this next part of our course will be like. Nor do I fully understand what it will mean to me, to my sweetheart or to our children. However, looking back reassures me that we are traveling exactly where we need to be. Wherever adoption leads us, I trust this unique path more fully. As we move forward, we will be guided every step of the way.

Along the way, I promise to tell my myself, my love and my beloved children what each of us needs to hear whatever our struggle, “Have faith and move forward, child. Your story is your own. All your own.”

15 comments:

gamine said...

Andrea - this is so exciting! I can't think of a better person to take in a little soul needing love. Congratulations and good luck to you!!

Victoria @ BUMBLE BEANS said...

You made me teary, my friend. I feel as excited for you! And as you know, I'm ready to make baby quilts for you! So glad you in my life...

Jessica said...

beautifully written. I'm happy and excited for you as you embark on this next leg of the journey.

Megs said...

Crying happy tears for you, dear friend! Sending love and joy and happiness your way!

Rene' said...

What a beautiful post, Andrea! I am very excited and thrilled for you and your husband. Sending hugs and well wishes your way!

junebug said...

Congratulations on the peace. Thanks for sharing the joy! It is exciting to imagine how your family will be.

Terriaw said...

Congratulations Andrea! You sound elated to begin the next steps. What an amazing journey you are on!

JN Designs said...

I am so excited for you two! That little child will be so lucky to have you both as parents. I can't wait until you get to hold them in your arms!

shellysquilts said...

Hey Andrea, Very well said my friend. You never know what will happen but it sound like you are ready for the gifts "life" has in store for you. And as I recently had reaffirmed (in a really big way) in my own life, truth Faith is the act of moving forward no matter what.
Good luck to you, my beautiful,eloquent,amazing friend!!

Liz said...

Good luck! I hope that the path is a smooth one with plenty of beautiful scenes along the way. xxx

rosemeg said...

Andrea, thank you for sharing such a personal journey. I am so glad to hear that peace has come your way, that the family future feels exciting and bright. Wishing you continued blessings and more and more joy.

Reading Family said...

What a beautiful and eloquently written post! I am positive that your children that will be joining your family are going to be lucky to have both of you as their parents! Congrats and good luck!

L. Lewis said...

As my eyes are brimming with joyful tears all I can think to say is, you are loved.

Alexis said...

I am very, very excited for you!

Ellen said...

So beautiful. Thank you for speaking from your
heart. It is amazing how things open up when we accept things as they are and revel in the journey.
Wishing many blessings to you!