So, what in the world do I do?
I'm floundering just a bit, like a fish out of water (the original title for this post). It reminds me of the salmon we saw several years ago in Alaska, fighting their way upstream, even when half of their bodies were above the water level. They'd found the current and relentlessly swam against it. Often they were splashing or stranded or struggling to breathe. (Hmmmm....is there a special word for fish "breathing"?) They swam fiercely, driven on in their final life and death swim. The fruitlessness of their reproductive attempt in this shallow stream did not change their direction.
But wait. I think that fruitlessly fighting upstream feeling is what is comfortably known. I feel more the way those fish might feel if they were suddenly plucked out of the fray and placed in the calm waters of a large and bounteous lake, with no current to swim against. I certainly know how to swim upstream, fighting (and occasionally avoiding) the current of the moment regardless of the importance of the endeavor. (I'm thinking of "urgent camp" t-shirt obsession in the middle of a fabulous family reunion, for example.) I am skilled at focusing on the struggle and turning a half-blind eye to the things that fall by the wayside. But without the current? I don't know what to do.
Today, I find myself with little current to push against. I stare at my dishes...do a little menu planning...wonder about some sewing...wander over to the computer. I'm moving in starts and spurts with long, lost pauses. It is not for lack of things to be done, but a lack of anything urgent. I'm not used to this way of being. I think it's going to take me a while to find an inner current.